Aquarius The Sun-Venus conjunction on 28 March will be the catalyst for a period of introspection; embrace the opportunity to tackle difficult questions. You might ask, does my mo remain a covetable symbol of my vinyl-listening, fixie-riding, Monocle-reading way of life, or is it just a trap for bits of mince? In the meantime, avoid spaghetti Bolognese.
Pisces Still or sparkling? You shrink a little inside every time a waiter asks you that question, you gentle, sensitive, economical soul. The new year brings new opportunities for making your wishes known, so next time you're dining out, request tap water, and if you're charged for it, just, um, leave a tip, slip away quietly and don't make a fuss.
Aries Your enthusiasm and competitive nature make your dinner parties the hottest invitation of 2013, but be careful those same Arian qualities don't distress your guests. Before you slice the live ornamental koi at the table, sharpen your filleting knife. No one likes to see their goldfish bludgeoned to death before they eat it.
Taurus The earthiest of the earth signs, Taureans are born to forage. This year, avoid nettles grown in abandoned asbestos-mining towns, and always blet your medlars. Love will walk through the door at any minute, so keep some acorn-flour muffins in the freezer and all you'll need to do when it arrives is pop them in the oven.
Gemini Gemini's intellectual thirst is almost insatiable, but think beyond the university paradigm in 2013 and you'll find educational opportunities galore. Consider a cooking course at the local community centre - "Sourdough from your own bodily yeasts" , say.
Cancer "Family first" has always been your motto, and the year ahead brings excellent health for you and your loved ones. Keep up the good work with the kids' nutrition, steering them clear of dairy, gluten, carbs, fat, fructose, food starting with the letter "b", pink food, crisp food, food with a use-by date in 2017, warm food, and anything garnished with curly parsley.
Leo The fire in your sign - and in your backyard - burns brightly this year. When those closest to you mount a challenge, stand your ground. The elderly lady next door might be asthmatic, but she has no right to turn the hose on your smokehouse when you're in the middle of a batch of brisket. Remain dignified, and when the ambulance arrives, offer scones.
Virgo This is the big one, Virgo, the pay-off year for those long evenings of meticulous photographic documentation and food gone cold. Be prepared for extra public scrutiny as your social media following explodes. Criticising the last sponge your mother ever baked in a lengthy post is one thing; tweeting about the salmon sandwiches from her wake is quite another.
Libra Your innate sense of justice is the catalyst for a career change this year. You'll excel, as always, whichever path you choose, but re-training as a pastry chef, Weight Watchers leader or meth cook will be especially auspicious - it's all about the scales. Weigh your decision carefully indeed.
Scorpio Channel your intensity and passion into the search for love in 2013 and be rewarded. Try the cookery section of your local bookshop, where Scorpio soul mates lurk between Nigella and Curtis. If your local bookshop has gone bust from the online shopping boom, visit Amazon and search for toys in the Health & Personal Care department.
Sagittarius How do you do it, Sagittarius? All those cocktail parties, restaurant openings and five-Martini lunches? Your social stamina has always been something to behold, and in 2013 you're on everyone's A-list. Two words of advice: avoid butterfish. Your drycleaner hasn't been able to look you in the eye since last year's little "oops".
Capricorn Never take success for granted, Capricorn, if long-term financial security is your aim. Sure, your barrel-aged-Uruguayan-taco truck is so hot right now it's smokin', but booms inevitably bust, so be ready to cash in on the next big thing when it arrives. Our tip: fermented jaffles. Ka-ching!